Scotland v England

50F/10C degrees
People in southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40F/4.4C degrees
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35F/1.7C degrees
Cars in the south of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20F/-6.7C degrees
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts

15F/-9.5C degrees
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry

0F/-17.8C degrees
Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

-10F/-23.3C degrees
Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

-80F/-62.2C degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

-100F/-73.3C degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

-173F/-133.8C degrees
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

-297F/-182.8C degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

-460F/-273.3C degrees
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

-500F/-295.6C degrees
Scotland wins the World Cup